Heart and Bones

I am focusing all of my positivity on the three basic needs of life right now. I am giving thanks for having a roof over my head, food in my cupboards, and my healthy children.
I am trying to remind myself to keep the faith. That all is as it should be. That there are lows, valleys, and vast and seemingly endless craters maybe, but that nothing lasts forever and this mood of life I am living within, will too find itself changing.

I am in a death process. It is beyond letting the old die. It is learning how to let the dead fall away. I don't want to carry around old, heavy limbs of thoughts and feelings any longer. It is too heavy...too, too heavy. It is making me weak and not letting the new growth come forth. It is stifling, stinky, stagnant, and putrid.
My belief system has been shaken to it's core and now my thoughts no longer have a solid place to land. It is cracking my usual impenetrable demeanor. I just don't know anything about anything. And the truth of the matter is I never did. I just *thought* I did. I am cracking illusions, the tough ones, the ones that I have glued and taped and stapled over and over. Those cracks are all I can see now.

Even though it is a painful process and my rock like personality is crumbling, I have some semblance of knowing that this is for the good of making me whole. It is how and what I need to get into my self, my true self. This feeling of feeling like nothing and being so separate from everyone else is the greatest illusion of all. I anticipate (oh please,please, please....) this winter to be a journey into new places. Braver Georgia places.