In between...

I am sitting at my friend's apartment letting Talia nap and Sylvan watch a movie. We were most certainly in need of an in-breath.

We made it to Fargo! We arrived here on Wednesday afternoon (June 17) surrounded by thunderstorms. The ground was soaked and water was standing in the fields and filling the ditches from the storms that we followed.
When we were driving through South Dakota we ran into a heavy thunderstorm right after visiting Mt. Rushmore. We drove through it and passed it by. About an hour later we stopped at Wall Drug in Wall, SD. The kids ran around the outdoor area while I snapped photos. It wasn't long before the same thunderstorm passed over where we were playing and sent all the other tourists running inside. The sharp crack of thunder directly over our heads nearly popped Sylvan and Talia's eyes out of their heads. But it was the lightning that sent us for cover. The electricity of the storm refilled Sylvan's energy (not that it was really lacking) and he started running in circles. After a quick bite to eat we piled back into the car and kept driving and driving and driving....

When we rolled into Fargo we headed straight to a playground to meet up with my friend whose apartment we are at right now. She gave me the keys to her place so we had a crash pad in Fargo. We are staying out at my Dad's farm which is about 30 minutes outside of town.

My dad has dial-up. Enough said, right? That is why I have not posted anything. Well, that and the hours we have been keeping. Last night we got back out to my dad's farm at midnight. One of my relatives has an outdoor, blow-up movie screen and he showed a movie on his front lawn last night. It does not get fully dark here until 10:30p.m. I love it. The prairie sunset is one of the things I miss the most. The twilight seems to stretch forever.

Before the movie last night my step-family and the GST trio (which is my new name for Georgia, Sylvan and Talia) went out to eat. My step-brother Greg has a lovely wife named Sara and a four-year-old son named Quinn. After a shy beginning at the restaurant the kids found themselves wrestling on my movie-showing-relatives front lawn. They also had scooter races and a lot of fun playing with a volleyball after a kind neighbor showed them proper form.

There is so much more that has happened and I just have time to give a short update.
We went to the wedding this afternoon (my cousin's wedding is why we are on this road trip adventure) and are waiting for Talia to wake up from her nap to head to the dinner and dance. I think it is time to go and wake her. More soon with photos I hope.

On the road again

                                                        We are packed and ready to roll.   

Shift Happens

 

                                     I am happy to report that YES shift happens.  As I am preparing for this road trip I am finding myself feeling a new and different thing.

I am going to miss my home and Sacramento in general. 

 I am going to miss my bed, the tall cedar tree that stands guard in front of my house, the cool shade of the persimmon tree, the chickens, MY DOG, my friends, my rhythm, my desk and the projects sitting on top of it, firedancing, and the river. This feeling of missing things like I just mentioned is new for me.   

This is the shift.  

The spell that the road has held me in for so long seems to be fading.  I am curious as to what this summer will bestow upon me and my family.  I am no longer trying to bandage up my cracks, and instead am using ample amounts of forgiveness and grace as a balm.  Digging up from a source previously unknown gobs of sweet and cooling salve that I visualise rubbing all over my cracks.  My parts put back together in a new way that is whole instead of hodgepodge.

Preparation

I am preparing to road trip to Fargo with my children.  They are three and six.  They are champion road trippers. We started talking about this adventure this past winter and they started to collect and return bottles and cans for money.  I told them I would match their funds and help guide them with their road trip fund. 

   

Five months later they have over $150! I will keep my word and match it.  They will be purchasing all of their road treats (usually ice cream or popsicles),  the things they are captivated with in gift shops, and paying for their museum entrance fees.  Below is a picture of Sylvan riding the carousel in Missoula. We spent hours and hours there in the summer of 2007. It was $.50 a ride.  You will find us there again soon.  

I have told them that I want to return to California in August with a portion of their money unspent.  (We are saving for a piano.) Sylvan has come to understand that cheap toys have a tendency to break quickly and, at times, he can get past the instant gratification appeal of wanting something.  

"That is okay mama, it would probably just break anyways," he assures me.

  

I have done this before, and it is not the driving and road trip part that daunts me, it is the preparation. Two years ago when I decided to drive with my kids across the country, I over packed.  That over packing included our beloved Freyja Dog.  This time around Freyja is staying home.  She will be a sad, sad dog on the day we leave.

Whenever we are packing up for an adventure of any kind she plants herself in the back end of the car letting us clearly know she intends on coming with us.  She has been my most loyal and faithful companion for almost a decade.  This is the first, big road trip adventure that I am not bringing her with me.   Freyja has skin allergies and gets ache-y. Not to mention that she too needs love, attention, and tending.   I know that Q will take her on walks and she will have even more love and fun while we are gone.  Freyja please know that I miss you already dear friend.  

                                                      

                                              Do dogs feel betrayal I wonder?

I went to bed last night and lay awake thinking of all the little things I have yet to do.  My sister, Karla, is flying in from Fairbanks on the morning of June 10.  She came up with the brilliant idea of helping me drive to Fargo.  I am grateful she is along for the ride.  She will be a great help and Sylvan and Talia will be able to spend some good time with Auntie Karla who lives so very far away.  We are returning to the place where we both grew up to witness our cousin, Charlie, get married.  There are many other things drawing me back to North Dakota this summer.  Friends and family singing their siren song lulling me back again and again.  So I prepare.

I am sitting at the computer writing this blog while I burn books on CD for the car.

We don't do DVD's in the car and I am unwilling, for now,  to open up that can of worms.  Our wagon is old and does not even have cup holders, much less the pop down DVD screen. Sylvan and Talia make up games involving colors, shapes, and sizes of the other vehicles on the road. Sylvan keeps a running tally of the number of birds of prey that he sees.  We sing, tell jokes, make-up stories, read books, draw, and do math problems.  Talia sleeps.  The road has the potential to soothe us all.  

I have intentions of consistently documenting our trip through this blog.  I also hold the intention of teaching myself Math 34 in the hopes of placing in a higher math class this fall to shave off a semester of school.  

I will be spending the next few days packing and re-packing.  Deciding the essential things we need on the road.  Do we really need to bring rainbow wings, crowns, and swords? What about the bug catcher?  My djembe drums?  Scooters?  How many books and toys? Clothes and shoes for many different climates.  I dislike clutter.  I dislike digging through bags trying to find whatever it is I am looking for in that moment. I intend to not over pack or under pack. That is the balance of preparation I am living in right now.  

The mighty road is my meditation.

The preparation is my challenge.

Heart and Bones

I am focusing all of my positivity on the three basic needs of life right now. I am giving thanks for having a roof over my head, food in my cupboards, and my healthy children.
I am trying to remind myself to keep the faith. That all is as it should be. That there are lows, valleys, and vast and seemingly endless craters maybe, but that nothing lasts forever and this mood of life I am living within, will too find itself changing.

I am in a death process. It is beyond letting the old die. It is learning how to let the dead fall away. I don't want to carry around old, heavy limbs of thoughts and feelings any longer. It is too heavy...too, too heavy. It is making me weak and not letting the new growth come forth. It is stifling, stinky, stagnant, and putrid.
My belief system has been shaken to it's core and now my thoughts no longer have a solid place to land. It is cracking my usual impenetrable demeanor. I just don't know anything about anything. And the truth of the matter is I never did. I just *thought* I did. I am cracking illusions, the tough ones, the ones that I have glued and taped and stapled over and over. Those cracks are all I can see now.

Even though it is a painful process and my rock like personality is crumbling, I have some semblance of knowing that this is for the good of making me whole. It is how and what I need to get into my self, my true self. This feeling of feeling like nothing and being so separate from everyone else is the greatest illusion of all. I anticipate (oh please,please, please....) this winter to be a journey into new places. Braver Georgia places.

Is Jesus in pain?

Notice the cross hanging from the green necklace? This is one of Sylvan's most prized ground scores. He found it around the base of a tree in a park we frequent. He also found the green necklace part which is actually an extremely stretched out elastic hair band. He fashioned them into a necklace.

He wears this out and about and we have gotten some very interesting questions and comments:

What church do you go to?

It's a fine thing to see a young man believing in Jesus Christ.

Jesus died for you and your sins.

Bless you.

Sylvan has come up with his own questions inspired by his necklace:

Why is there a body on this cross? Who is it? Is he in pain?

What is God?

What is church and why do people go there?

Why did Jesus die?

What are sins?

I answer him as honestly as I can from my experience. When I was six I may have known some of the surface answers to the questions he holds. I went to a catholic school. Doctrine was fed to me in a forceful way that left an unknown taste in my mouth. The taste was not necessarily unpleasant. I believe now that it caused and still causes me to seek and yearn for answers that go deeper than just accepting what someone else says is truth.

My early religious experiences shaped me to be a deep questioner of life. I remember standing in line to confess my sins and knowing deep in my child self that I was not a sinner. I can tap into that feeling of my young self. A knowing that there is truth, beauty and goodness in this world. That we, as humans, are not inherently bad. That is what I try to convey to Sylvan when he asks the questions that have so many different replies.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Two weeks deep into Kindergarten... Current mood: pressured While putting Sylvan to bed tonight this is what he told me when I reminded him that tomorrow was a school day: "Kindergarten to me is like when I am sick, I mean throwing up sick.The weekends are like ice cream, parties, bike rides, you, Freyja, Anah-kitty, gecko, cake, cupcakes, rough-and-tumble play with Jackson, candy, Marlin Perkins, just all fun mama. I had so many "highs" today I lost track. I just don't like kindergarten. It's definitely my low all the time." Ahhh poor kid. My response:"This year we are going to kindergarten."It was enough...for now. He finally settled in and flew off to magic dreamland. Currently reading : Women Who Run with the Wolves By Clarissa Pinkola Estes Release date: By 1996-11-27 7:58 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove -

	Jenell	Sylvan is such a poet, ah, pulls at my heartstrings... I wish that I could express myself so well. Hugs~ Posted by Jenell on Sep 15, 2008 2:07 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]

	bonny	Must get it all from his mama. Still trying to get that book. Working on the nightmare book. Right now reading Barack. Ohio Suck...more to blog about that. Love Posted by bonny on Sep 15, 2008 6:01 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Scott	You should remind Sylvan that school is more enjoyable if you can find a smaller kid to bully. A little extra milk money puts a smile on your face ;) Posted by Scott on Sep 17, 2008 5:49 AM [Remove] [Reply to this]

Georgia

I think he has that younger kid thing figured out...he gravitates towards the girls though. He had a gaggle of younger girls who followed him everywhere last year. But this year we are at a big public school that we have to drive to and there are many more kids in his class than his sweet and gentle home-based preschool that we rode our bikes to three days a week last school year. Posted by Georgia on Sep 17, 2008 8:54 AM